Friday, June 18, 2010

It Never Gets Easier

Today should be my son's 9th birthday.

Instead of a party with cake, candles and joyous children, I have a trip to the cemetery to plan.

I should be used to it by now, after all, I know the drill, but it really never gets any easier. I am stuck living my life counting the days all through the year as each year passes; still, there is this hole inside me which has not healed, which almost seems to refuse to heal. I worry that if I let go of his memory, then it will be as if he was never important, that he did not matter. As it is, he is merely a shadow of a thought to most people who have heard of him, and as each year passes, that shadow fades.

To me, he was more than a nebulous idea. He was my son, and he did matter. This family mattered to me; in fact, I still cling to that idealized image of that family, which now drifts about me in shreds and tatters.

I can not let go of any of it, the pain of his death, the anger over my husband leaving me, the unjustness of it all. Because I can not let go, I have not been able to move on.

Today, I don't give a shit whether I am moving on or not. Today, I simply replay the events of Monday, June 18, 2001 in my head again and again. I have as much chance of stopping that as I would have of halting an aneurysm mid-burst.

Today I remember, and regret.


Jody said...

Your brutal honesty and emotional vulnerability is a brilliant and enduring flame of love for Nathan. I feel as if i 'know' him through this tribute. Thank you and I love you, Babs. I wish I could say or do something. I know I'm powerless. But know that you are heard.

the Joneses said...

Barbara, sometimes there aren't words :( Just know I'm thinking of you on this difficult day.

One of the saddest things about losing a child is that so often, it seems like they are forgotten to others. Just know that as long as he lives in your heart, he is not truly gone..

I have 3 little angels that I carry in my heart every day. Just know you aren't alone..


The Mrs. said...

Oh honey I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please know that things will be better one day. Just keep keepin on!

Tricia said...

It made me sad to read your post. May God give you strength and healing.

Barb Bell said...

I got to this blog...By clicking "next blog" twice...My name is Barbara also...And my dearest friends call me Babs as well...Though it is not the same...Because losing chid at any age...I could not bear...I did lose my dad, mom and dear brother to cancer just three years apart...Twenty years ago...I have no words to give to you...No pill that will ease your pain...One quote from Richard Bach..."What the caterpillar calls the end...The Master calls the butterfly..." Death visits every family...I hope you find Peace...