“The Rule of Sibs: If your sibling gets something you want, you (1) try to take it; (2) break it; or (3) say it's no good” -Patricia Fleming
I first wrote about sibling rivalry back in March, 1997:
"I can't understand how it is that a 4 year-old and an almost-8 year-old can have so much in common that their main form of communication is arguing over every last detail of what they're going to play, how they will do it, who will eat what, who drinks what etc." - "Sisterhood, Ain't it Grand?"
And lo, not much has changed in the intervening two years.Just yesterday when I was chatting with my sister on the phone, she said pretty much exactly the same thing, wondering why, with the age difference being what it was, my two girls continue to fight like cats and dogs. They couldn't even call a truce for Mother's Day, for God's sake!
They fight over toys, who owns what, which identical toy horse is whose, and even who used to own what and who has primacy over an object. We've recycled toys, giving Natalie's baby and toddler toys to her little sister as she outgrew them and got Big-Girl toys, yet still pangs of possessiveness flare up.
"Hey, that's mine! I now I haven't played with Tickle-Me-Elmo in like 7 years, but still... that's mine!"
It's not even the bickering over stuff or the ever-popular, "Mom, she's looking at me!" "Yeah? Well, she's breathing near me!" that get to me, though they allot plenty of time for all of that, but it is the intentional pressing of each other's buttons that drives me nuts.
Both girls are guilty of this, but Natalie is just a bit more devoted to it than her sister is. She will do some tiny thing guaranteed to make her sister scream, howl or whine and then go off to her room, cackling about it. When ordered to apologize to her sister, she rattles off some lame "OhI'msosorryLucy" which just oozes insincerity.
*sigh*
I polled people informally about this just the other day and was assured that even though they used to fight with their sibs when they were younger, eventually they grew out of it and became friends.
I remain unconvinced for now.
Posts
4 comments:
I never fought with my brothers because the poor boys had no chance (one with Down's, the other 15 years younger). But I distinctly recall that when my friends were at our house, which was virtually ALL THE TIME, whenever a fight broke out my mother checked to see if there was any physical damage and, if not, told us, "work it out yourselves." She feigned utter indifference to our squabbles. Complete lack of interest. I think this worked well, and I recall that my friends were pretty baffled by her approach. The purposes of sibling battles, off the top of my head, are: 1) learning to negotiate conflict in prep for the big bad grown-up world, 2) generating parental attention, and 3) basic primal exercise of personal power. If you can ID the purpose of the squabbles, you might be able to tamp them down with appropriate substitutions; or maybe they are actually GOOD for the girls, if not for your nerves!
"She feigned utter indifference to our squabbles. Complete lack of interest."
Maybe I'll try that. Sometimes I do tell them to just go and leave the room I'm in when they're fighting. I think that they usually DO fight more when they're near me. They seem to be able to play well enough together when they're like 5 rooms away from me - listening to them laugh hysterically together can be frightening as well. lol
"maybe they are actually GOOD for the girls, if not for your nerves!"
Let's hope so!
Sibling rivalry drives me crazy. My kids constantly battle over who got one more goldfish, who got to watch TV first, who got to watch one second of TV, who got to take a shower second ... One thing I have resorted to them is is explaining: "You know, life isn't fair. You might as well learn it now. In the real world, lots of people will get more goldfish than you or get to stay up later or get a toy when you didn't. And it stinks, but you might as well learn to live with it."
Guess I'm turning my kids into cynics.
I am sick of parceling out the goldfish or the Jolly Ranchers, counting carefully in front of both of them so that they see that I didn't favor one over the other. I'm tempted just to toss raw steaks at them and let them battle each other for them.
Not long ago, Kid #2 actually accused me of loving her sister more because I gave Kid #1 something, an apple, I think. Kid #2 didn't even want the apple earlier when I'd suggested it.
It's totally ridiculous.
"You know, life isn't fair. You might as well learn it now. In the real world, lots of people will get more goldfish than you or get to stay up later or get a toy when you didn't. And it stinks, but you might as well learn to live with it."
I may have to cross stitch that and let it be the new house motto.
Post a Comment